Spring

With Easter next week and the arrival of Spring I feel that I am healing more and more every day. I am smiling again and waking up without reaching for my stomach expecting all of this to be a bad dream. Acceptance is something I am still working on but it is getting easier. Claire and I have been making bird feeders out of pinecones and peanut butter and hanging them in the trees in our backyard. Breakfast each morning has been fun because we have so many cardinals that come around now. We gave up on the pinecones because the squirrels were knocking them down so we bought a beautiful bird feeder. The cardinals make me smile. I have never seen this many in or backyard before. I take it as a sign. A sign from my baby that he is okay and watching over us. Our counselors in group asked us about the arrival of Spring and how we were feeling. After a few awkward minutes of silence I spoke up. The days are warm, the sun is shining, there is new growth. Growth for all of us. I feel like Spring has brought with it a time to heal. Watching Claire take part in our neighborhood's Easter Egg Hunt yesterday was so beautiful. There she was running around getting so many eggs that her basket was overflowing. I can't believe how much she is growing and changing every day. Claire is like Spring. You can't help but smile when she comes around. Below is something that was shared in group and I want to have it on my blog so that I may share it with you and keep it for myself. Maybe next Spring I will revisit this post and remember the place I was in and how much I have grown.

  

  A TIME TO GRIEVE….A TIME TO HEAL 

  Have you ever noticed the many mixed-up 

Emotions involved in grieving? 

On the one hand you feel restless. 

On the other hand, you feel like 

You don't want to move at all. 

You feel desperately alone, 

And yet you don't want anyone around. 

You feel scatterbrained, forgetful, 

And yet, frantically meticulous. 

You feel like crying at nothing.

 And sometimes laughing at anything. 

Being in a crowd of people is fine 

As long as they don't talk to you 

And yet, if they don't talk to you 

You feel as if nobody cares. 

You want so desperately for someone 

To mention you baby, 

To remember the life that was. 

Grief settles over you like a hot blanket. 

You're as cold as the winter snow. 

Grief presses on you like a steam roller. 

You're floating in a bubble above yourself. 

Grief boxes you in on four sides and introduces you 

To a pain no one should have to know. 

But then, once again, you begin to feel compassion. 

You relate to other parents who have had 

An experience similar to your own. 

And eventually, with a light as sharp as a sunburst, 

You hear yourself saying your baby's name 

With an unfamiliar smile on your face. 

You remember some of the funny times, 

And feel laughter building in your throat. 

One morning you notice the sun is shining, 

The flowers are bursting with the colors of spring. 

Three seasons have passed unnoticed…

And, somehow, you are still here

Even though your baby is still there.

You feel your heart swell with a love

You never even knew could exist.

And you find a place in your life

For something called,

Peace.