Anxious...

Not sure if anxious is the right word for what I'm feeling at this moment but I'm laying here in bed typing this on my phone because I can't sleep. I can't believe this moment is here again for us. I'm not sure how I feel honestly. Happy? Sad? Guilty? Excited?  Scared? The only word that that seems to sum it all up is anxious. Can we just fast forward to 12:30 tomorrow?! But then again I don't want it to be here because I'm terrified of what I might hear. Terrified that I could actually be letting myself get excited about having this baby and then have it all be ripped away again. Since I haven't really announced it yet, yes I'm pregnant.  I am due February 24th. I haven't posted in a while because I wanted to get to this appointment first. But as I lay here with complete insomnia I can't help but write. I could wake up Chad who is always ready to listen to me on the days I just sob and blubber on about Christian. I could write an email to the girls who were in my support group, but they are going through their own struggles and I feel guilty that I became pregnant again so easy. This baby, the one I can already feel rolling around inside me, is such a blessing. Actually conceived the week Christian was due. I take that as a true sign from up above.  I keep staring at Christian's memory box wondering how tomorrow will go. I will be 18 weeks on Sunday so they are doing my 20 week anatomy scan now to detect any issues early on.  We will be headed down to Charlotte to the same doctor and ultrasound techs that were with us when we learned of my baby boy's sickness and when we delivered him. I say "we" because Chad was the strongest man I knew that day. I tear up just remembering how close this whole experience and Christian have brought us.  Tomorrow will be an emotional day. And now I'm glad I have written and shared the fact that I'm pregnant again and that even though I'm wide awake at 3am feeling anxious, I can honestly say that deep down somewhere I know that every thing's going to be okay.