Beautiful words...

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who Chad and I met when first moving down to North Carolina. She and her husband have always been very gracious and friendly to us. This woman is such an inspiration. I knew of her story through a mutual friend. She and her husband lost a child after knowing and loving him for four months. When I had first learned this a few years back my heart broke for them. We attended parties and backyard barbecues and both her and her husband seemed to be the happiest ones there. I couldn’t help but wonder, “Where does she find the strength to go on after going through such an ordeal?” Well, what a beautiful conversation we just had. I have learned more about this woman in the past few minutes than I have in the past few years. She let me know that grief would be around for a while and that not everyone “gets it”. She also told me to think of myself as having split personalities. On one side is the cheery, happy girl I always am and on the other side I have this grief stricken person I will now be carrying with me for the rest of my life. There will be times when grief wants to come out, but it’s up to my cheery side to say, “back off right now” and put that person in it’s place. When it’s the appropriate time and place then I can let this grief persona make it’s appearance. I can then cry, scream, and feel what I am feeling and that’s okay. She also told me that when she was getting through the roughest part after losing her baby, she would divide her heart up into little rooms. She would put all that grief and guilt she felt into one of those tiny rooms and shut the door. “Every now and then,” she said, “you will go and visit in that room for a little while and remember, cry and feel.” Then she told me that I would have to shut that door again and go on with my life. I would never forget but laughing and smiling were not things that should make me feel guilty. She said, “I know right now it’s not easy to hear that, but eventually you will get there.” Ah she gives me hope. Hope for the day that this gets easier. The place that I am in right now are days filled with guilt. I feel guilty when I laugh, smile, dance with Claire, etc. I find myself stopping suddenly or realizing the next day that I had way too much fun and that my baby would think I forgot about him or didn’t care. It’s an awful, terrible, dark place to be in and I want out! I want to smile again and not feel shame for doing so. I am going to take the advice of my friend and build those rooms in my heart and start working on shutting the door every now and then. Tomorrow I meet with a support group called “Empty Arms”. It’s a group for couples that have had stillbirths or deaths of a baby shortly after birth. Chad is unable to go and I know he feels awful for not being there to support me. I wasn’t going to go but this morning I woke up and thought...”either I show courage and go by myself or I don’t go at all.” Hmmmm...what to do? Well, I know me. I know that in a month from now, or two months from now, or when June comes and I have to be surrounded by all the new babies my friends are having and Christian’s own due date on June 7th, I will regret not going. It’s my opportunity to share my story and hear other’s stories. To feel a connection with other couples that have recently been in the same dark turmoil we had just gone through. So I am going. I am fighting this anxiety and going to endure the hurt and pain of others and let them know that I understand. Hopefully I find yet another support system to help me through this as well as become a support system for other mommies too.