Thank You

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and friendships which you have all blessed us with. I was nervous to have shared my first post with everyone, but the warm and caring responses I’ve received in the past few days have been overwhelming and I am so fortunate to know all of you. You have provided me with a sense of strength and you’ll never know how much it means to me. Thank you. As many of you might know we have been waiting for the results back from the amnio combined with the x-rays and tests done on Christian. These results will determine exactly the type of Skeletal Dysplasia he had. As I explained in my original post, the team of doctors and geneticists are pretty confident the results will read positive for Thanatophoric Dysplasia. This is the most common type of lethal dysplasia. I need this diagnosis. I need it to be lethal. I know that may sound terrible but I am still holding onto the feelings of doubt that anything was wrong. That Christian was healthy and he would have caught up in growth and the doctors would have seen it in a future ultrasound and said, “Wow he’s a little miracle.” Then I wouldn’t still be kicking myself for not taking my prenatal vitamins enough, or maybe I was running too long and too hard, or maybe it’s because I was taking Zofran for my morning sickness...ugh...I could go on forever. I can hear Chad telling me right now, “Meg the doctors said YOU DIDN’T CAUSE THIS!” Deep down I know it wasn’t me, but I need to get rid of these guilty feelings. If the diagnosis comes back lethal then I will finally accept that it was nothing I did or didn’t do to cause Christian’s fate. They say that Skeletal Dysplasia happens in 1 in 50,000 pregnancies. Crazy! We still shake our heads in disbelief. The geneticist told us “it’s like getting hit by lightning.” This is nothing that Chad or I carry a gene for. It can happen to anyone. The amnio results come back next week so the waiting game is almost over. They will also talk with us about what this means for future pregnancies. I can honestly say that pregnancy for me is most likely ruined forever. There won’t be any jumping up and down in the bathroom after getting two pink lines. There won’t be that excitement of walking into our 20 week ultrasound. I will be a nervous mess! I know I won’t relax until I have that baby in my arms at the end of 9 months. Then maybe I will take a deep breath. Claire has swimming lessons on Saturday mornings down at the YMCA. I feel like I was just shopping for a new bathing suit that would cover the bump. I had been going with her every Saturday up until that weekend we found out there was a problem at our 20 week ultrasound. Chad had been taking her while I physically recovered. This morning was my first time back in the water with Claire since that awful first weekend. Walking into the pool area, Claire and her little friends were starting their normal conversations when out of the blue she started saying, “my new baby is going to be a boy,” “my new baby is gonna swim with me in Nana’s pool.” She hasn’t mentioned the baby in a while and it hurts so much when she does. We haven’t discussed anything that has happened in front of her. As far as she knows she still thinks I am having a baby. I feel sorry for her. She has no concept of time, so she doesn’t know that a baby comes in 9 months. This is why we haven’t told her about Christian. It’ll be like Christmas. We talked about Christmas for months before it came and she still doesn’t understand that it happened and now we have to wait another year before it comes again. Getting into the water brought with it a flood of emotions. Last time I was in this pool I was swimming with both of my babies. As I fought back tears during Miss Jackie’s “Wheels on the Bus” song, Claire turned around and splashed me right in the face and giggled that beautiful little giggle she has. A giggle that has always snapped me out of whatever mood I’m in. Maybe it was Christian telling his big sister to splash me. I’m laughing now at the thought of it. Like they are working as a team to keep my spirits high. Immediately the lump in my throat went away and I found myself singing about the babies on the bus saying “whaaa whaaa whaaa”, Claire’s favorite part of the song. Except for that moment in the pool, I haven’t cried today. Could today be the first day that I don’t cry? Maybe. The day isn’t over yet but when I am feeling down I will re-read the prayers and comforting words from all my family and friends. The comments on my blog, the facebook posts and private messages have made us feel so loved. Despite our 1 in 50,000 statistic, we are one lucky family. Thank you again.